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T&A's Five Healthy Steps to Online Dating
1.) There is never intrigue behind a chat question, only an agenda. If you feel uncomfortable -- block him.
2.) No picture, no chat. If you can not see his picture, ask yourself "What is he hiding?" The reason is never due to his pending 'film release.'
3.) Never meet face-to-face on the first chat.
4.) Never meet in private.
5.) Be true to yourself --always.
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Overall, the online dating business is booming and has become the No. 1 paid content provider online. Not bad prospects for a 10-year-old industry that doesn't require much commercial office space or a hefty headcount. Servers and technicians share cheap rent and labor overseas. Entrepreneurs spun the dating game in 1995 -- it requires no emotional connection from investors.
To most online dating subscribers however, seeking a potential mate is the most emotional search he or she will undertake, fee or free.
LavaLife, AOL's Love.com, Match.com, and Yahoo! Inc.'s personals, are most popular for heterosexual singles. JewishMingle, BlackSingles, and Single Christian Network are dot-coms that carved out their own niche for singles seeking similar traits in a date. The most popular site for gay men is, naturally, Gay.com, owned by PlanetOut Inc. PlanetOut claims to attrack an audience of 15 million, which represents a consumer market of $458 billion. PlanetOut goes public in August 2004.
Online dating subscribers seeking love, companionship, or friendship don't care about the host's board members or an IPO, or whether or not these companies employ citizens of the USA. They simply want to meet someone with the basic characteristic of "honesty," said Dan Heath of Milwaukee. "Most personality traits and physical characteristics don't really have that much importance if there's no trust in a relationship."
Think & Ask spoke with singles from Love.com and Gay.com. Whether or not it is telling, no heterosexual males agreed to participate. We invited 100 subscribers from Gay.com, and 100 females and 100 males from Love.com. Beyond the chatter often heard about online hook ups, Think & Ask required something else from those we invited; honesty and personal values. In other words, only those who are on a serious fishing trip. Were these traits difficult to catch online? We found them.
As each participant articulates their qualities, readers may wonder why these men and women haven't found online dates. Only through speculation, and from cruising the chat rooms, the observation is that the seekers of love in this story appear to be in a minority. Dan explains, "For me, its difficult to establish a sense of trust through the Internet." He said that anonymity on website postings allow people to create an image that may not be true, and thus of no interest.
"A lot of the gay people I know are much too comfortable with lying, then easily justifying that dishonesty in their own mind," he combats what he sees by being truthful and leading by his example.
For Gary, who lives in Port Charlotte, FL, Gay.com gives him the outlet to communicate with other gay men and hopefully meet someone who wants to talk and get to know him. "I am very much a stay-at-home and watch-a-movie" kind of guy. He recently met a man online and they've been dating for a couple of weeks. The 23-year-old makes acquaintances throughout the state of Florida. "I get to meet more guys outside my rather small town." The online community provides Gary with an alternative way to increase the number of online friends he can touch through e-mail or chat.
Melissa Spero said the opportunity for meeting men is limited in her home town, "unless I drive to Houston, so the Internet provides dating opportunities from my living room." Melissa, 44, has met many men through Love.com, but does not plan to renew her subscription after three unfulfilling online dates in a row.
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As a suburbanite of St. Louis, Rob said, "one of the positives of meeting men online is the fact that you can meet people from a much larger geographical area."
Online dating gives 24-year-old Andy the feeling of security as the Internet is the safest way to meet people. "I know there are stories out there about how dangerous it can be," but danger risk is in the details you give online. Andy spends time chatting online with prospective dates, and only when he feels safe will he agree to exchange phone numbers and eventually meet for a first date. "In my experience if you get to know someone online then you are much less likely to be disappointed when you meet them in person," Andy said from Omaha, NE.
"America's youth has a new way to explore the gay community with less fear and reservation than they would have in the real world," said Dan who is 23. The anonymity of the online world can help teenagers find their footing early in life, and "it can help them to realize that they aren't so different or alone.
"Unfortunately, for every online newbie in the community, there's usually someone else waiting to take advantage of their inexperience and lack of knowledge," Dan said. In both worlds, gay and straight, there are plenty of people who don't think twice about taking advantage of those with little worldly experience.
When Andy entered the online dating game he was 19, not of age to patronize bars. "I set up an ad on a couple different websites, and I came across and ad for a guy that I thought would be interested." He was hesitant to e-mail the 25-year-old man due to their gap in age. But "out of the blue, I had an e-mail in my mailbox from him!" After they grew comfortable with each other online, "we met, and just completely hit-it-off." Andy spent four years with him and says it was a great romance in hindsight.
If you have not yet tried the online dating scene, the experience nets the spectrum of positive and negative results. When Andy hit the ads a second time, after his breakup, "some guy sent me an instant message and asked me if I wanted to hook up." Andy declined and the man "berated me and thought it was ridiculous that I was online if I didn't want to have random sex."
Of the more quality men Andy seeks, "it always seems as though I am struggling to find someone like me - someone with similar interests, someone who is as mature as I am."
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"You do have to be careful," said Steve Velasco, 42. The majority of men he's met are either married to women or look nothing like the picture they posted in their personal ad. "When I'm in chat I can be having a great conversation for an hour with some guy, and then he'll ruin it by saying, 'so, I'm really horny, can I come to your place?'" Steve said, on telephone from Laguna Beach, CA, that living in a conservative community means men hit gay men for sex and then return to their wives. "Online chat has made gay men easy prey for married men."
Rob said, he thinks that long-term dating from online pals may be difficult for another reason, "most of the men don't really desire a relationship." The trend Steve mentions, where "men that are married or partnered in a straight relationship and are looking for discreet encounters," is disturbing to Rob who is 35. "Personals are so 'impersonal' and it is difficult to get a clear understanding of who people really are based upon their profiles."
"You can't judge the gay community only by the Web and the club scenes," Dan said. He explains that a majority of guys "live to be gay," and that being gay often seems the most important part of their lives. "The more down-to-earth guys are living their lives as humans; being gay is part of who they are, not the only thing they are.
"The best quality guys for a potential long-term relationship are the ones that don't consume themselves with the gay lifestyle." Dan said that men who frequent bars or chat religiously are poor representations for the gay community.
Heterosexual actions vary little from the gay lifestyle, said Bryanne Parks, 29, "I just assume that every guy has slept around with anything they can poke, so if he truly loves me, he'll just have to wait until after the blood test and the wedding." The Toronto native developed online female friends from around the world who keep her interest in chat.
Dating men however is a different game all together. "Sure, maybe one out of eighty is the real jewel for me, and we'll meet for dinner, but I'm no longer surprised when I find I've misread the guy. They really are like the militia, all set to invade a country with guns blaring, and the country is mine. I just tell them, 'no thanks, now get lost.'" Bryanne met and dated three men in Toronto who certainly meet her idea of "great guys. The flame seemed to flicker out after a month or two," and they have remained friends. "For having met these three guys, I can't disregard the whole online dating experience."
Andy seeks a man who is "my soul mate, my lover, my best friend and ultimate companion." He and Gary agree with Bryanne's remark about men and sex.
"Most of the gay men I have met online are usually only interested in one thing. Who they can bed next," Gary said. He is unsure why men have to seek sex, and he has a jaded and resentful attitude towards the practice.
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"Does it really matter how big my penis is?" Andy asks. "If that is the first thing a guy is going to look for then I don't want to have anything to do with him." Both men wish their community would shed the stereotypes associated with random sexual encounters.
The crudest of details may be found in chats with heterosexuals Melissa said. "I can't tell you how many men ask me if I enjoy anal sex, or if I'd let them wear my nylons, shoes, or bra.
"This is scary-shit. I'm an open-minded woman, but when did men give up old-fashioned love?" She blocks names of men who ask her questions she does not think appropriate.
When you are part of a smaller population segment, not only are the choices fewer, but dating the same sex poses perception problems that heterosexuals do not experience. Gary said that if he could change the perception of gays it is that "we don't choose to be this way. If I had to choose...I would be straight, married, with at least one child by now."
"I wish that people wouldn't stereotype the gay community as only being about sex," said Andy. Many gay men are "actually looking for love, for the real thing. It angers me when the media and homophobes out there in the world focus on the sexual aspect of the gay community." He lives by his own example for what best represents "my gay community -- it is about love, family, friendship, and a good work ethic, and being out and open so everyone can see that I am just another guy."
"We [men] are genetically programmed to spawn as many offspring as we can," Gary said, and since gay men don't worry about impregnating a woman they think carelessly about encounters.
"I honestly think if gay marriage were legalized you would have a good deal more 'settled-down' gay couples," Gary said.
Searching for online dating mates is only half the story however -- and the easiest part -- or as easy as boarding a fishing vessel on a Saturday morning. Dressing properly, heading-out to sea, using the right bait, fly-casting further than your shipmates -- these are all part of a sport that comes without guarantee you'll hook a prize. Such is the luck of your first date.
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Rob succinctly describes his positive and negative encounters post-e-mail and after the first date. Many profiles are not adequate in describing a person well, in particular how their personalities truly match up to his search. Rob met a man from neighboring St. Louis. "We dated for a short period but decided that although we liked each other very much, we just weren't the right fit for one another." They do however stay in touch each day and consider themselves friends, he said from Belleville, IL.
"I met a gentleman from St. Ann, MO, who took me to dinner. Throughout dinner, he drilled me with questions about my background." The man didn't allow Rob's inquiring mind to ask questions in return. "After this short date, I realized that he probably was not the type of person I wanted to be involved with," but Rob did offer his hand in friendship.
"He later e-mailed me and wanted to know what I thought of him. I kindly, and honestly, explained that I didn't feel he was my type, but that I wouldn't mind pursuing a friendship with him." The man replied to Rob and told him that he was looking for someone more attentive to his needs.
"Rob hits a good point," Melissa said from Port Arthur, TX. "It is all about the man." One date with a successful businessman she met on Love.com turned abruptly sour when Melissa competed with his cell phone.
"He talked on his cell phone as I ate my entire first course," and she had no regrets mentioning his rude behavior. "Then he pulls out cash for his meal, sets it on the table and leaves without eating." Melissa said the online dating profiles fail to show someone's lack of personality or manners, "when all you have a is a picture and five words to judge a guy by, it is no surprise when you meet him only to find out he is a jerk. Rob sounds nice, do you think he'd date me?" Melissa jokes during a telephone interview.
With one relationship under his belt, Steve said the best way to meet other men is through friends. "I have posted ads for five years, but when all is said and done, I have nothing to show for it, except a handful of mistakes after drinking too much on a first date." He is turning to community groups to meet men. "I started volunteering with Big Brothers, and I've basically 'come out' at work with the idea that someone might know of someone they can match me up with," he said. At his age, Steve wishes to share his house and life with a partner. He said that even if he relaxed his morals to "sleep around" in order to find a man, "I'd still not be in a relationship. If he's paired and sleeps with me, he'll slut around on me too."
Rob is a "solid monogamist," with a strong faith in God. He is a gentleman who goes out of his way to help people. "I am only interested in those people looking for a long term relationship," Rob said. "I have met a lot of people who say that I am handsome, but that's not something that exactly wins my heart. I would like to meet someone who can get past the surface test and who appreciates the person I am inside."
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Melissa is a redhead, and it is "not true that redheads are hot tempered." She rides horses, scuba dives, and enjoys a weekend gardening or reading political biographies. "I'm active in my union and business keeps me busy. There is a man at work I think I'm going to ask out, but I better before he reads this article."
Dan knows how to joke-around, he is politically conservative, smart, yet not aggressive with his opinions, and "sarcastic as hell." He said, his best friend would describe him as very patient, but can sometimes be quick to dismiss. "In an arena where it is much easier to misrepresent intentions and ethics, finding quality guys can take a lot longer than it would take in a real life setting." Dan remains optimistic towards his search.
Andy seeks a "comfortable, down-to-earth, dependable, playful, loving guy." He despises mind games, he seeks a man with whom he can converse. "Our first date is something casual and laid back -- coffee or a walk in the park," Andy said.
"The real test of commitment is with the man now," Bryanne said. "Women have nothing to lose, if we want a baby we have one, with or without a man." She said it is up to men to come to grips with gender equality and treat women respectfully. "Hey, I'm going to be just fine living my life without a guy." In the meantime, Bryanne will continue paying fees for dating websites, "because it can be fun sorting through everyone in order to find a date, just like your website says, 'think and ask,' you don't know who you might find."
